Month: January 2017

Birthday Boy

Dear Elijah Seth Hester,

     Happy birthday my sweet boy!  Two years has gone by in the blink of an eye.  It seems like yesterday that we were waiting in anticipation for your arrival. The minute our family laid eyes on you, each of us fell madly in love with you-all in our different ways. You are truly the “baby” of seven children.  

     It is a kindness of the Lord, that I did not know what lay ahead for you. I drank deeply of those first weeks with you, taking full advantage of the midwife’s admonition:  “This is your seventh birth, you need to just rest for a couple of weeks.”  It was almost as if time stood still-and that too, was a gift from God.

     Oh, my baby boy. My “buddy.”  I didn’t want it to be this way for you.  You have been under anesthesia more than 30 times. You have had countless exams of your eyes to check for tumors, 5 MRI’s, chemo surgery twice, numerous laser treatments-both with and without the green dye.  You have been poked more times than I can count.  You have spent more time in doctor’s offices than you have in parks.  And of course, the surgery to remove your eye, and then dozens of prosthetic eye adjustments.  You are beginning to understand that one of your eyes is missing….and it hurts my heart to think about that conversation when we will explain about cancer and having to remove your eye.

     Yesterday, we saw the genomics counselor at CHLA. They wanted to make sure that we understood the implications of your genetic mutation.  They wanted me to remember your predisposition to secondary cancer (to keep you out of the sun!), and the 50% chance you have of passing your cancer on to your offspring.  They don’t know me-so they don’t know that I’ve read all the articles in medical journals, and I know how they say it is “inevitable” that you will develop a secondary cancer.

     But in those first days of your diagnosis, the Lord gave us another gift. He gave us so much on our plate for today that we didn’t have time to worry about tomorrow.  The fight in front of us-today-was enough that I didn’t have time to worry about whether your total physical healing would come in the days ahead.  I didn’t have time to lament all the things you were missing, because we had enough to focus on for today.  It freed me from being wrapped up in whether or not your healing would come-I knew it would come the moment you left this life and entered the next one, and if it came any sooner than I would stand ready to receive it and praise the Healer!  But for the last two years, I have had todays in which I have had the opportunity to praise the Sustainer.  God has carried us through two years, and the changes He has brought about in each of us along the way are remarkable.

     I am not the mother I was two years ago.  I see many ways in which I have dropped the ball and gotten it all wrong, only to have discovered more deeply the grace of God.  We have never had a child sleep in our bed on a semi-regular basis. That is, until you. It’s perspective.  If we have no guarantee of tomorrow, then don’t I want you near me every second I can?  Don’t I choke back tears of thankfulness when your little arm flails over in the middle of the night and touches my hand or my face-just to make sure I’m close to you? (Although we do pray that you will learn to sleep through the night eventually!)

    Your brothers and sisters have learned compassion and persistence in prayer.  We have met the most amazing people on this journey-most of which are enthralled by you and your story.  And you. You have already learned so much about endurance. You are SO loved in our home.  You bring such joy every time you utter a new word, or flash a smile.  

     And so, my buddy, I will admit that we don’t know what’s ahead for you. I am always honest with you.  If I know that it’s going to be hard ahead, I tell you. And I stay with you.  But I don’t know what’s ahead. I don’t know if all these exams under anesthesia will slowly wind down in the next year or so, or if there will be more treatment ahead. I don’t know if there’s another cancer ahead for you.  I don’t know the number of your days.

But I know the One who does.

     And so I choose today.  I will not dwell on what I wish these two years had looked like for you. And I will not fret about what is in your future.  This, perhaps is one of the greatest lessons the Lord has taught me through you.  I will choose today!!!!!  I will make the most of every second with you. I will cry when it hurts, and I will feel that hurt deeply and I will let it make me more compassionate and kind towards others who are hurting. I will take the moments of joy, and I will squeeze every last second of joy from them! And I will let them remind me that this life holds only a foretaste of joy, while the fullness of that joy will come in the presence of our Savior.  I will cry tears of thankfulness in the quiet of night when I nurse you. I will stare in awe at your precious face as you sleep next to me with your knees in my belly.  I will rejoice at every. single. syllable. you utter-and of course, for the new words.  I will tell you the story of Jesus, because it is the most powerful, transformative story that exists, and it will sustain you. I will continue to be the best advocate I can even when I am tired of fighting.  I will pray for you and with you, so that you can see that every ounce of strength coming from me was a gift from God.  I will long for the Word of Christ to dwell in me richly, because He is the One with the Words of eternal life.  We will endeavor to walk this journey with as much grace and kindness as we can, because our eyes have been opened to the many around us who are hurting-not just from cancer.

     You, my buddy, are one of the greatest gifts our family has ever known.  These two years were not at all what I expected, but they have been exactly what they needed to be so that we can learn to live today.

     Today, I celebrate you and the gift that you are to me, to our family, and to the world.  I am thankful for every today I have with you, and oh! I pray that there are many, many, many todays ahead for us.  But on this today, I want to remember with gratitude every single today that has led up to this one.

I love you always and forever,

Your buddy (Mommy)

Adventure, part two 

Teddy Bear Cancer Foundation coordinated a trip for our family to Mammoth. We had to reschedule due to sickness-but at the time we didn’t know if we would be able to reschedule or not. It was hard to let it all go at the time, but we are so thankful that we were able to reschedule and actually go on the trip!  It’s been more than….I don’t know, more than five years or so since we have done a family vacation (although I am not counting our road trips to NY).

Anyway! Mammoth got 15 feet of snow in the days prior to our arrival! Convict Lake Resort donated our cabin for two nights, and Mammoth Mountain donated ski rentals and lift tickets and even lessons for us all!

I am bummed that I can’t post video…because let me tell you….Evelyn on a snowboard is just about more than I can handle.

The back porch of our cabin with an amazing hot tub! (Which was great for recounting the day’s events). It also gives a great idea of how much snow they had!

My heart for all of us was that during a difficult season, sometimes you need to catch a glimpse of beauty. You need to see that there is life and beauty beyond your own circumstances.  Most of the kids had never been to the snow, so it was so fun to see it through their eyes.

The younger ones had a harder time hanging in there while the big ones were taking lessons. We all did snowboarding except for Emma, who did skis and ended up with an amazing instructor all to herself. She went on the lift 12 times!☺

To give the others more time, I took the younger 3 on the gondola. It was ah-mazing! Such a beautiful perspective. When the gondola would shake, Evelyn’s eyes would get huge and she would say “Yikes!”  But she was having a great time. Judah looked at me and said, “Boy, I could get used to a view like this.” 😂😂😂

I wish I had more pictures of them all, but I was taking video! (Which won’t post.😔) For now, you’ll have to trust me on how adorable it was to see the younger ones snowboarding, and so fun to see the big ones snowboarding and skiing.

A picture with the Mammoth!

A view from the heights certainly refreshes the spirit.❤

The little man.

So. Much. Beauty. 

Me and my girl.💕


It sure is a production for us to eat anywhere. Gotta love the $2-$4-$6 menu at Denny’s.😂

In the same place at the same time….for a brief moment.😂


Of course I got on a snowboard! This was a once in a lifetime experience! The instructors were fantastic! We had such a great time. I wish you could see the videos of the boys once we got back to the cabin. They got enough instruction to be able to have some great fun!

Thank you Lord for this adventure!!!!!🙏🏻🙌🏻

Surrounded…

Have you ever felt like the road you were walking was surrounded by mountains on every side?

Sometimes the path feels that way. Sometimes you feel like you expended every last ounce of energy climbing one mountain just to find yourself at the base of several more.

In our life, it’s not just the big picture things like wondering every month whether new tumors have come or old ones have grown…

It’s not just details of treatment like flights or getting medical records or blood draws and oncology appointments.

It’s not just school work and assignments and keeping some semblance of order to our days, or trying to keep up with dishes and laundry and grocery shopping and meals….

It is also fevers in the night (is this cancer related, or just normal?)

It’s my back going out just as Ben goes on night shift. And having to wake up my 12 year old to get Elijah out of the crib for me.  It’s the pain of watching life happen around you and trying to direct it from a chair. It’s the weariness of pain that you can’t escape.

But the thing about being surrounded by mountains…..is that it is all about perspective. It looks one dark and difficult way from the bottom….but it looks so completely different from the top.

I’m learning. Oh! How I wish I had mastered this by now. But I’m learning.  Listen to what happened!

I have been trying to book the next flight to NY for a week and a half.  I felt like the Lord had showed me the airline, and I was planning on just Elijah and I going alone.  But the return flight was SO expensive.  I just didn’t feel quite right about it, and every time we tried to book it, it just didn’t work out.

And then, I find myself here….flat on my back.  It is very difficult for me to find myself here, unable to do much of anything. Ben even had to take today off, although he’s planning to return to work tomorrow night.  The one thing that it quickly gave me was perspective. It is silly for me, in my current state, to think that I can do the next trip to NY on my own. 

I decided I need to have Ben with me-although I don’t yet know how the details of that will work out. Since admitting that I would need Ben, I decided I better get tickets before the airfare went up anymore.  

Imagine my surprise when the tickets where more than $100 dollars cheaper today.  I had to chuckle to myself. The Lord knew I needed Ben with me this time. I could only see flights not working out and exhorbitant prices…. but by waiting upon the Lord, I now see that there were more pieces to the puzzle.  

I’m learning that His timing is perfect and His perspective is true and right.💕


From up above, He sees every valley-and how they are just part of the journey. 

And oh! Praise God for those *gondolas* in life that allow us a glimpse from the heights to refresh us on the journey. (More on that to come).❤

“As the mountains surround Jerusalem, So the LORD surrounds His people From this time forth and forever.”

Psalm 125:2

Adventure, part one

Well. I suppose one of the advantages to your back going out on you is that you have time to catch up on documenting your adventures.☺

While in NY, Emma and I did not do much in the way of traditional “sight-seeing”, but we did have to eat! We went to “Vive le Crepe!” at the shops under the plaza-we enjoyed the ham and gruyere, and the strawberry and Nutella crepes. 

We walked through Central Park.

Elijah did so much better this time coming out of anesthesia! He was a different child! Which sort of helped to make up for the particularly difficult beginning as I had to hold him down through 3 failed attempts to get his IV going.

Our friend Joey is so kind. He has sent the kids the mix to make frozen hot choclate here at home! But since Emma was with me, I thought it only right for her to try the real deal. Elijah was pretty happy about that too. At Serendipity 3, we had the salted Carmel hot chocolate and the “Can’t Say No” sundae.  Even with the three of us we couldn’t finish it.

Joey gave Emma and Elijah hair cuts, but we always enjoy the company and seeing our friend in the city.

Emma tried Elijah’s favorite thing in the city-fresh mixed berries with frozen Greek yogurt.

We hoped on a bus to meet up with my wonderful friend Margaret!

And we enjoyed the most WONDERFUL Italian food!!!! Elijah charmed the waiter as usual, who came by entertaining Elijah with Mickey Mouse on his Apple Watch. We had just about the best food we have ever tasted and then we had the incredible opportunity to go and see Margaret’s lab at NYU. It was SO cool! I wished Caleb could have been there, since he would have enjoyed it so much, but Emma and I were just as excited to see it and took lots of pictures for Caleb.

This was truly an adventure that I was so glad to share with Emma. It was still a demanding trip, and of course had some hard moments for us all, but there is nothing like good food and good company to turn any journey into a grand adventure.

Relief….

It was a rough start. We didn’t sleep much last night.

I woke Elijah up and he screamed through me changing his diaper, getting his jacket and boots on, and getting buckled in the stroller.

He blew his line 3 times for his IV, one of which infiltrated a bit-finally the fourth time they got him up and running.  (Of course, it is very difficult to get an IV going in a child who is small, freakishly strong, and has gone without food so he is dehydrated).

Anyhow!  You can imagine the relief I felt when the doctor came in and told us that everything looks GREAT!  Even the small tumor they were watching near the optic nerve showed no signs of growth.

So. We are so relieved. The minute the relief washes over you, then the exhaustion and hunger set in.😉

I think we will all be anxious to celebrate this good news with some good food and a nap!

Emma is a trooper-Elijah is back sleeping off his medicine and she and I are keeping each other awake and dreaming about food.😋

Thank you for praying!!!!!


(This picture is from before all the IV attempts)😭

Children are a blessing….

You know that season of life-when you have little ones with endless energy and a will of steel, or when you’re considering whether or not to have more children, or in any particularly difficult season of parenting-

Sometimes you have to remind yourself of that beautiful truth:

Children are a blessing.

Children ARE a blessing.

And indeed! They are! They themselves remind us and reward us with ear to ear smiles, sloppy kisses, and hugs so tight you have to catch your breath.

I know I have a long way to go in the parenting journey. My kids are still *young* by most accounts.  There is something so special about having a teenager and a toddler at the same time☺. It’s not for the faint of heart😂. But, there is such joy, and such perspective in having one foot in each of these seasons.

But one of the fun things about this season with Emma, is that she is one of the sweetest blessings in my life.  I can say so honestly, and with all my heart, that she is such a blessing.

Someone found out that I was traveling alone with Elijah this time to New York, and offered to pay for a ticket for Emma.😭🙌🏻

I hardly have the words to say what a gift this is. But my sweet girl, knowing that it would be hard work on her behalf with very little sleep, and that she would miss dance (which is a big sacrifice for her!)….knowing all these things, she chose to accompany me.

So today, I am swimming in the blessing of my children-all of them! Their willingness to work as a team so that we can take care of Elijah. And I’m especially thankful for the courage poured into my heart by having one of my dearest friends (yes, I know, I’m her mom before I’m her friend….) with me for the journey.

Children are a blessing! My oldest and my youngest.💕💕💕💕

Re-remembering 2016

This year, more than ever, I approached the celebration of a new year with all sorts of mixed emotions.  I could see people all around me with a sense of anticipation as they enter into new and wonderful seasons. I even sensed a joy at closing the door on 2016 for those who had endured a lot of pain, and were longing for a fresh start and direction.

But I…..well, I didn’t have any anticipation for 2017. I felt weary. To think about doing basically the same thing we have done in 2016, all over again, only with more financial strain, more exhaustion, and not much change in our direction, well, it seemed overwhelming.

Fortunately, the deep abiding conviction that the Lord has placed within me is that no matter what I’m feeling…..my job is to just keep going. Until I see Him face to face, and then all will be swallowed up in His glory.

The kids and I were watching a sermon at home this morning and the Lord blessed my heart SO much. The sermon was about those times that are dark or confusing, when you can’t see with clarity. And about how the ability to sing in the dark of night depends largely on how much we have practiced the melody in the light of day.  

A profound statement:

“I don’t always have to see God’s goodness to remember it–I have it memorized.”

You know the beautiful hymn (we sang it at home today as well):

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with thee;
Thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
As thou hast been thou forever wilt be.
Great is thy faithfulness!
Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed thy hand hath provided;
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

And so, I’m taking a challenge that was offered in the sermon:

Maybe you need to re-remember this year before you leave it.

I can’t forget hospital stays and pokes and chemo.

I can’t forget loss of appetite and vomiting and abnormal blood work and MRI’s.

And I don’t think I am supposed to forget.  In fact, those moments have made me who I am, and have shown me who He is, just as much as the mountain top moments I’ve had. I would not treasure the joy or the provision of the Lord as much if I had not known the sorrow or what it was to be sustained without. 

I need to re-remember.

I need to remember that God made a way for Ben to be with me when Elijah had chemo this year. It means so much because I know what it is to do it without him.

I need to remember the kind nurses and the ones who got blood on the first poke.  They mean the world to me because of the times where it was awful and there was blood spurting everywhere as multiple people held Elijah down.

I need to remember how my baby loved green juice when I couldn’t get him to eat anything else, because I know countless other children who can’t keep anything down, including green juice.

I need to remember how for one of Elijah’s MRI’s this year, Ben was there waiting with me.  It is precious because of the ones where I’ve waited for results by myself.

I need to remember how Judah became an exceptional reader this year, and Evelyn increased her “sweet sass” (as opposed to sassy sass) and her vocabulary far beyond her years. I need to remember how Ezra became my sidekick for LA trips and how he opened just about every door we went through. I need to remember how Noah matured, and bravely faced turning 10 while Mom and Dad were in New York.  I need to remember Caleb’s faithful, diligent attention to the Word of God as he finished reading the Bible cover to cover for the fourth time. I need to remember the beautiful faith blossoming in the heart of my Emma, as she not only danced in worship before the Lord but began to step out in faith with using her spiritual gifts to bless the hearts of those around her.

All these things are more precious to me because this year I haven’t always been able to give attention to the things I want to because I was giving it where I had to… and yet God was the faithful farmer who brought up fruit from the lives of my children.

Re-remembering 2016 does not make any of the hard things less hard. But it does just what Jeremiah declares in one of my favorite passages of Scripture:

Lamentations 3:21-23

“21 But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.”

It calls to mind the faithfulness of God.  It reminds me that there is no end to the mercy of God….it keeps right on going even when the calendar year changes.  Because His steadfast love never ceases and His mercies are new every morning, I can face 2017 knowing that every passing moment, every passing year, brings me one step closer to the day when this life will be swallowed up in the next. When hardship and sorrow will be swallowed up in life and everlasting joy.

Re-remembering 2016 isn’t about forgetting the hard things. It’s remembering the faithfulness of the God who carried me through them. It is remembering that He is still carrying me, even now, in 2017. And my hope, not the I “hope” this happens, but my absolutely confidently sure I KNOW THIS WILL BE, is that He will carry me all the way through until I see clearly and face-to-face what I only see dimly right now.